


Killing Loneliness

by zombieporno



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Awesome Darcy Lewis, BAMF Darcy Lewis, Bruce Banner & Tony Stark Friendship, Bruce Banner Drinks Tea, Bruce Banner Feels, Cameo by Natasha Romanov, Darcy Feels, F/M, FrostIron - Freeform, M/M, Miscommunication, Multi, Not Canon Compliant, Oblivious Bruce Banner, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Tony Stark Is a Good Bro, Tony Stark Rejects Your Gender Norms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-25
Updated: 2014-07-18
Packaged: 2018-02-06 03:44:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1843108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zombieporno/pseuds/zombieporno
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just an unapologetic fic wherein Darcy & Bruce have to get over themselves & you'll likely spend half of the fic shouting "Now kiss!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

It was such _bullshit._ She was Darcy fucking Lewis. She didn’t _do_ self-pity. She did sassy-bouncy-bad-ass. She did tough-as-nails cloaked in a swirl of perfume, glossy curls, and red lipstick. But she, Darcy  fucking Lewis, did not do embarrassed, or ashamed, or self-loathing, or any version thereof. She groaned and buried her face in her hands, thinking up revenge scenarios.

 

Stupid, arrogant, sexy, mother-fucking Agent Hottie. She had been so excited when he asked her to dinner. Like, she totally helped saved the world a little bit, which was awesome and all… and working for SHIELD was technically really cool (on paper, anyways). But sometimes a girl just needs a little flirtation and an expensive glass of bubbly. So when Agent Prince Charming asked her to a restaurant well out of her price range, she gladly accepted.

 

It started out decently enough. He picked her up in his fancy car, they made light conversation, ate fantastic food, drank even more fantastic champagne, and made flirty eyes for a couple of hours. Then he drove her home and, despite not having butterflies or anything lame like that, she was maybe okay with a kiss and a hint at Date Numero Dos. Instead, she got introduced to his alter ego, Agent Giant Douchnozzle.

 

Yeah, sure, lots of dudes assumed you were going to put out if they bought you dinner. But the condescending look on his handsome face as he explained, as if she were slow, that “everyone in the office knows your real job is being the office peg board” took normally male assholery to an entirely new level. The way he spoke, each word intended to tear her down, informing her that general consensus in the office was that her only marketable assets were of the salacious variety, and everyone knew she didn’t really contribute to anything around there, so she must keep her job some other way… it really broke her carefully-constructed Head Bitch persona down.

 

Darcy knew, without a doubt, that this was the kind of guy who could exactly pinpoint a female’s internal doubts, finding them like chinks in armor, vulnerabilities to be exploited on his way to sexual conquest. Of course, she had shown him the door, rather than falling for it. She didn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing her face crumple at the realization that he was right.

 

Well, not about the Office Slut part, but about how useless she really was in relation to the kick-ass agents and brilliant sciencey types and crazy powerful superheroes she was surrounded by. She was nobody. She was an Executive Office Assistant (which was a fancier version of receptionist). She lucked into her job because of her involvement with all the Asgard crap. SHIELD wanted to keep her close, but realistically couldn’t really task her with anything more essential than paperwork, setting up meetings, and ordering office supplies.

 

Obviously, it was intimidating to be surrounded by so many “superior” people, but Darcy didn’t really let things intimidate her, so she usually brushed it off and got on with her general awesomeness. Today though, with last night’s taunts still firmly in her psyche, she couldn’t help but wonder if everyone could see through her sassy nature and right through to the core of her inferiority.

 

She lifted her face from her hands, pulled her hair back into a loose bun, and rolled her shoulders a few times, trying to shrug off her funk. Burying herself in her work and her caffeine, she processed the paperwork for Agent Barton’s request for some new explodey-type targets to go into the indoor archery range. Despite her poor mood, she had to grin, wondering if the Director would authorize any more explodey-type things ever again after last week’s debacle with some of Stark’s new tech…

 

She was still slightly laughing over the mental image of Fury’s popping veins and Tony’s smarmy grin at the argument, when a soft voice interrupted. She looked up, immediately sucked into Dr. Banner’s gorgeous brown eyes. She would never admit it, but she thought he was impossibly the best looking man she had ever met. And she had met _Thor._

 

Belatedly, she realized that he was staring at her expectantly, that small, semi-awkward smile on his dreamy face. She snapped to. “Sorry! Apparently my coffee hasn’t kicked in yet. Could you repeat the question?”

 

“I was wondering if that package was delivered yet. I’m waiting on something kind of important.” He cocked his head, reminding her of the world’s cutest puppy waiting to be scratched behind the ears.

 

Fighting the urge to make any number of “package” jokes, she shook her head. “What’s so important? You’ve stopped by every day this week to ask about it. Did you try checking the tracking number?”

 

Another rueful grin and a shoulder shrug. He really was going for a record with the number of cute, awkward things he could do to kill her, Darcy was sure of it. “It wasn’t sent with a tracking number.”

 

“You ordered something super important without registering it or anything? Not exactly your smartest moment, Doc.” She grinned and unthinkingly took her hair down and shook it out. She chose not to let her brain process the way his jaw tightened and he cleared his throat, eyes slightly wide.

 

“Yeah, I’m just… an idiot.” With a rough shake of his head, he turned away and walked off, leaving Darcy puzzled.


	2. Two

Five days, two staff meetings, countless cups of coffee later, and Darcy had almost managed to root out the seeds of insecurity Agent Bag of Dicks had left in her mind… until she overheard what the rumors were following the date. She wished she could have been surprised that he was telling his fellow agents what an easy lay she had been. She ate her body weight in Chinese food, consumed roughly enough Moscato to drown a small town, and kept telling herself she didn’t care. Her eyeliner and lipstick were war paint she smeared on each day as she rocked out to “Hit Me with Your Best Shot” at full volume before heading to work.

Somewhere between replying to emails and scheduling Captain Rogers’ flight for some international peace conference, she realized the Very Important Package Dr. Banner was waiting for still hadn’t arrived. Darcy kept expecting him to come back and ask about it, but he didn’t. She hadn’t seen him at all, actually, which was odd, since they usually arrived to the SHIELD office at the same time each day. As much as she hated to admit it, she missed their elevator chats before the day began. It is because of that she decided to be proactive and it is because of that she found herself standing outside of Banner’s lab, armed with a particularly snug sweater and a huge cup of the good doctor’s favorite tea.

She swiped her access card and sauntered through the entry as the frosted glass door slid out of her way. Dr. Banner was unaware of her presence, judging by the way he was staring intently at the shiny gadget in his hand and bopping his head, while humming a song embarrassingly high on the Top 40 by a group of prepubescent boys. Darcy just stared for a moment, trying to reconcile this image with that of The Other Guy, before clearing her throat. 

“Hiya Dr Banner! I was over at Tea Time and figured I would try that Indian blend you love and so I got you one, too, and yeah, anyways, whatcha working on?” She cut her ramble off before she could embarrass herself.

The rumpled scientist jerked his head up at the sound of her voice, and she could swear she saw his shoulders tighten, before his head turned ever so slightly in her direction. “Thanks, you’re a swee… I mean that was nice of you, but you really didn’t have to.”

“Well, obviously I didn’t have to, but I wanted to, so I did. And you’re welcome, Doc. What’s the latest project?”

She was rewarded with him turning fully around, his rich, warm eyes locking onto her. Darcy’s brain sort of glazed over as he launched into a great deal of technobabble. She only understood one word in every five or so, but his passion, the smile quirking at his lips, the way his hands wove magic in the air… these things captivated her. She wanted nothing more than to walk across the room and curl her fingers into his thick hair while pulling his mouth downwards.

Once again, she realized Dr. Banner had asked her something while she was off in La-La-Lusty land. “Sorry, I couldn’t hear actual words over the sound of you geeking out.”

He chuckled softly, before asking her how she knew which tea he preferred. Darcy actually might have felt herself blush, except for the fact that she never, ever blushed, ever. “Well, actually, a few months ago, I was behind you in line at the tea shop and I heard you asking if they carried imported Assam and your face lit up like Christmas when they said yes, so uh, yeah, I figured it was probably your favorite. Though I have to tell you, I definitely prefer a solid oolong myself, especially golden…”

She launched into an unnecessarily detailed tangent about her tea preferences, hoping to just glide right over the fact that she had remembered something he had said months ago, that wasn’t even directed to her. She chose to pointedly ignore the way his left eyebrow had raised, just a bit, and his gorgeous lips were quirking upwards. She was highly skilled in the art of denial.

Dr. Banner spared her, and simply reached forward languidly to take his cup from her, and if his fingers happened to brush against Darcy’s for the briefest of moments, and both of them stilled momentarily, they both pretended not to notice. He leaned back, one hand resting on the desk behind him, as he lifted the cup, and took a deep breath, eyes drifting shut, while enjoying the familiar scent. 

Darcy’s chest constricted just the slightest bit, and she suddenly felt very awkward, which she hated. She always knew what to say and how to act, because she was awesome as hell, but being around him… it was like she was floundering. It was disconcerting and she didn’t do well in situations that made her feel awkward. Unbidden, the recent Date From Hell popped into her head, and she realized she had no business flirting with someone of Bruce’s caliber.

“Well, enjoy the tea, and have a good day, and if your package ever shows up, I’ll let you know.” She was prattling while backing out of the lab with a half-hearted wave. She ignored his bemused expression and practically fled to the elevator once she was back in the hallway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to EtLaBete for pushing me to keep doing this & her feedback & of course, thanks to all for reading. -C


	3. Three

Over the weekend, Darcy decided it was time to get her shit together and stop sulking. It was bad enough Agent Fucktard was a literal walking boner, who passed up no opportunity to make a lewd comment to and/or about her. Oh no, that she could manage, and her revenge plan was being formulated. 

What really bothered her was the Bruce situation. She hadn’t mooned over a boy like this since sixth grade, when she was obsessed with Ronny. She had been absolutely convinced he was her soul mate, love of her life, should be the First, yada yada. She had embarrassed herself to no end chasing him and talking about him and writing moody poetry about him and all for someone whose last name she couldn’t even remember now. After a crushing humiliation at the hands of his multiple girlfriends, she basically decided Bad Ass Bitches didn’t swoon or fawn over anyone. They most certainly didn’t waste valuable energy that could be used eliminating their nemeses by chasing dick. 

So when Darcy’s caught herself saving sappy songs to a technically unnamed playlist that she mentally thought of as “Bruce’s Playlist”, she figured it might be a good time to throw herself out a window or go play in traffic before she sank to lower depths. Not only was Dr. Banner incredibly out of her league, but also he was the kind of Good Guy who would have all sorts of issues with their age difference, and ya know, the little fact that he could Hulk out and squish her like a bug at any time. She really shouldn’t bother with someone who wore that level of angst like a security blanket. Obviously, she was due for some R&R, and there was only one person who gave the kind of quality girl time she so desperately needed. 

She sent a text to Stark, who had unexpectedly taken her under his wing when she first started at SHIELD. Apparently, he liked her smart mouth and sassy ways. “Hey, Tin Man, wanna go get our nails did and natter on like little old hens and then go back to your place to get sloshed?” 

“When do I ever turn down any of those things? Watch it with the ‘old’ though, Chesty.” 

“Chesty? Somewhat lacking in your usual creativity. I assume you’ve been up for roughly 40 hours?” 

“Only 32…ish. Let me cancel an insanely boring meeting and scoot out before Pep can yell at me. Be there in half an hour.” 

And yes, the famous Tony Stark really did love to indulge with a great mani-pedi, especially when gossip was involved. He had proven to be a cool dude to hang out with, and while she secretly wondered why someone of his social status would deign to mingle with her, she was glad for the company. Especially since, beyond his trademark flirtation, she didn’t have to worry about any genuine advances, given his super secret boyfriend and all. It was killing her, not knowing who it was and why he wouldn’t tell anyone. Every so often Tony got this soft smile on his face and referenced the mysterious “he/him”. She’d winkle that particular bit of info from him eventually. Her new life goal was to find out before Natasha, aka World’s Most Legit Spy. 

28 minutes later, Darcy was sliding into the passenger seat of something that looked very fast and very expensive. Tony just glanced at her over his shades, flashed a grin, and turned up the music already blasting from the speakers. They rode in companionable silence, both heads nodding along with his usual classic rock. Yes, this is exactly what she had needed. Uncomplicated camaraderie and music so loud her brain shook. It managed to take the edge off and she felt some of her tension draining away.

They arrived at their usual salon rather sooner than she would have liked. Yes, she needed to discuss her current sitch, but she wouldn’t have minded hiding from it all for just a few more minutes. Tony came back from the desk and cocked his head. “So does this impromptu gabfest have anything to do with Agent Hudson describing your panties to half the guys in the office?”  


Darcy felt her face heat up roughly a trillion degrees. “Jesus Harold Christ on rubber crutches! Did he say that he saw my panties? That shithead did NOT see my panties! As a matter of fact, all he saw was the entryway of my apartment and a sliver of the kitchen before I kicked his creeper ass out! Also, that word is awful. I prefer knickers or skivvies. Uck! Who says panties besides my grandmother?”

“Actually, he said he saw a lot more than your ‘unmentionables’… However, I’ve been getting laid for roughly the same amount of time as you’ve been breathing, so it’s pretty easy to spot the guys who are just making shit up to impress other men. His fatal mistake was saying they were pale pink and describing your bra as skimpy. I mean, come on, you’re clearly a black, or possibly jewel-tones, kind of gal and your oh-so-generous assets could not be supported by anything skimpy.” He gestured vaguely to her chest before continuing.

“But don’t worry about it. Due to my intense paranoia coupled with my crippling level of genius, I managed to get Jarv recording every second of everything that happens at our division of SHIELD, so soon enough we’ll have plenty of ammo against Hudson. He’s bound to give different versions of the story to different people, so it’ll be easy to prove he’s lying.” Tony flashed his ‘Bow down before my brilliance’ smile.

“While I am extremely pleased to hear that you have given such great thought to my underthings, and figured them out so accurately, I am not looking to prove that he’s lying. I am looking to make him suffer. I will bathe in the blood of mine enemies!” Darcy raised a fist and shook it in the air dramatically.

With tented fingers and an arched eyebrow, Tony murmured, “Excellent. Let’s plan.”

A short time later, during the pedi portion of the day, she casually brought up the other thing that was bothering her. “So uh, this friend of mine at the office has a thing for a guy who is maybe kind of out of her league and slightly older and has an enough baggage for an entire family vacationing in a foreign country for the summer but she kind of still wonders if she should try to pursue something. Any advice I could pass along to her?” Okay… so maybe it wasn’t that casual. 

Stark swiveled to look at her, his glance full of something akin to horror. “Darcy, first of all, nobody is out of your league, and I mean nobody, because you are utterly flawless. Second, I am immensely flattered, and very sorry if I acted in any way that made you think…” 

“WHOA, Shellhead, I was not referring to you! Nein! Nein! Nein! You are my trusty bro. I couldn’t date you! That is just so many levels of wrong. And uh… besides which I wasn’t even talking about myself remember? My ‘friend’?” 

Tony sniffed in mock offense with pursed lips. “I resent your extreme protestations, Dee. I’m all kinds of amazing and crush-worthy. And while you were indeed quite clever in your ruse, I have somehow figured out your wily code and therefore I insist you immediately divulge the name of the lucky bastard.”

“Not a chance in Helheim.” 

For the rest of their time at the salon and the entire car ride, he did his best to wheedle it out of her, even going so far as threatening to drop her off at her own apartment to drink alone instead of allowing her to come back to Stark Tower for the good stuff. Finally, as they were pulling up in front of what Darcy referred to as “The Iron Penis” she realized she had a bargaining chip. 

Exiting the car, she asked, “How badly do you want to know?” 

“Very. Verily. Badder than anything almost of all time. I will do literally anything. Except many things. But still. Literally anything.” He had both hands clasped together in supplication and he was aiming his ridiculously large anime eyes at her as they entered the building. 

“Alright, Stark. I will tell you all about my hulking, huge, ginormous, classified crush. But you will divulge one piece of super hush-hush intel to me in return. Do you accept these terms?”

He immediately accepted, swearing that he would tell her absolutely anything, because he genuinely thought Darcy was going to ask something about SHIELD or the size of his cock or something completely different.

She pushed the elevator call button and braced herself. “I am madly in lust with Doc Banner. Now tell me the name of your Super Secret Boyfriend.” She smiled gleefully as all the color in Tony’s face drained away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, all the thanks to EtLaBete, and to all you lovelies who are taking the time to read/comment.
> 
> Please be gentle. My Tony isn't exactly the usual, but it's my headcanon so...
> 
> Bruce is back in the next chapter! Don't despair :)
> 
> "Jesus Harold Christ on rubber crutches!" is a direct quote from RDJ's character in Zodiac.


	4. Four

“Absolutely not.”

“You swore. You accepted my terms, which is a verbal contract. You cannot back out!” Darcy glared at Tony with her hands on her hips as he poured out two tumblers of 25-year Macallan, neat for him and exactly four drops of water for her. Hey, she’d had enough crappy booze to last a lifetime. Drinking with Tony Stark came with many a perk.

He frowned at her as he slid her drink across the counter. “That was before I knew what you were going to ask. There are so many other things I would willingly tell you. Like who Cap finally lost his virginity to. Or nuclear launch codes. Or the most private, deeply painful moment of my childhood. But not this, Dee. I can’t do it.”

She drained her fancy Scotch in one go and poured another, then settled into the couch, legs tucked beneath her and pinned her death stare on the older man. “Why not, pray tell? It’s okay for me to humiliate myself by confiding in you, but you can’t return the favor? That’s low, Stark. I admit I’m a little hurt by that.”

He turned his doe eyes on her before downing his own drink and refilling. “How about we bench this topic for now, and I promise we’ll come back to it? Even though he’ll probably literally kill me for blabbing. But first, let’s talk about your Bruce-shaped problem. I’ll need to be drunk to divulge that particular tidbit.”

Darcy groaned. “Ughhh, fiiine, you fight dirty… Distracting me by bringing up the sexiest man to ever sexy.”

“Bruce? Banner? The meek, rumpled, absent-minded scientist who is marginally older than even myself? That turns into Not-So-Jolly Green? Sexy? Sexier than ME?”

A dreamy smile spread across her face. “Yep, that one. With his tousled hair and his whole professor-with-bedroom-eyes thing. When he cleans his glasses and looks out from under his eyelashes, I swear, my lady bits hear a Hallelujah chorus. And when he clears his throat and his lips purse the tiniest bit? Oh and the way he smells his tea before he drinks it? And his HANDS. Do not get me started on his hands. Actually, yes, let me get started on his hands and on a variety of other places.” She snickered inappropriately.

“Wow, you are officially screwed. That is a Hulk-sized crush, pun entirely intended, and we definitely have our work cut out for us. Getting Bruce to date is going to be monumentally difficult.” His wrinkled brow resembled the expression he wore when focusing on a difficult piece of tech.

Darcy got up and poured them both another drink. “Ha. Like he would date me. He’s a genius. He’s like, smarter than Hawking and kinder than Ghandi and more powerful than, well, anything or anyone, including Norse GODS. And me? What do I have to offer? Tits and sass? No, Tony, we both know I’m just daydreaming.”

His voice was harsh when he spoke after a moment. “Darcy, you don’t really believe that garbage, do you? That you, the personification of every goddess of sex and wrath and decadence and nurturing and babely ways all rolled into one, are _less than_?”

The disbelief on his face made her feel about two inches tall.

He didn’t give her a chance to reply. “You own every situation, even the ones where it seems like you shouldn’t fit in. Nobody intimidates you."

Blushing, she polished off her third drink to avoid looking at him. She had no idea how to react to a Tony Stark who handed out compliments like Halloween candy.

"You routinely yell at Fury… FURY, who is easily the scariest man I have ever met. You’ve made out with Natasha AND Clint. Simultaneously! You tazed Thor. You have calmed down the Hulk and then kissed him on his cheek. You work for the most clandestine intelligence agency that exists but you don’t even have a graduate degree. Trust me, there is nothing you couldn’t do if you put your mind to it.”

She started to interrupt, but he glared at her. “Shut up. I am so mad at you right now. You are also one of the most generous, loving, sweet, funny, observant, feisty human beings I have ever known. How dare you doubt all that you have to offer? You are Darcy _fucking_ Lewis and you take no shit. Not even from yourself. Do you understand me?” He stared her down, waiting for her to argue.

She felt her eyes watering, but to spare them both the awkwardness of tears, she just poured another drink. She opened her mouth to thank him for the verbal kick-in-the-ass, because she had truly needed that and he was absolutely right, but before she could form words, she was shocked to see a faint, shimmering green on the other side of the room. There was a swirling light, slowing growing in size. Eyes wide, she glanced at Tony who looked… oddly unsurprised?

The vortex suddenly expelled a figure, and Darcy tensed, slightly tipsier than she would have liked when being confronted by an alien coming from a portal. She tensed further when she realized who it was.

Staring down at his chest, impossibly long fingers in a flurry to pull apart buckles and fasteners, hair obscuring part of his blood-streaked face as his armor fell to the ground and he reached for the ties of his breeches, he spoke harshly. “Anthony, kneel. I have need of your mouth.”

Jaw on the ground, Darcy’s eyebrows rose to meet her hairline. Tony had one eye screwed tightly closed in a determined effort to hide from her gaze, but the other roamed over the god who was intently focused on getting his pants off. She suddenly resembled a fish, gaping, struggling to compute what was happening.

Tony cleared his throat. “Hey, Lo. We sort of have company.” The way his voice sounded, the nickname… neither were lost on Darcy, despite her still non-functioning brain.

The god froze, then slowly drew himself to his full height, while lacing himself back up. His previously flushed face returned to its normal alabaster tone, and an obvious mask slid into place. Hiding behind his imperious nature, he cocked his head in her direction. “Miss Lewis. My apologies for intruding.”

For the first time in her entire life, Darcy was rendered completely speechless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EtLaBete is the best and everyone should have such a great beta.
> 
> So, I truly intended for Bruce to pop back up in this chapter, but things got away from me. Next chapter, I swear, or you can have my firstborn.
> 
> Thank you all for the great response and even taking the time to keep reading! -C


	5. Five

To say Darcy was shocked was an understatement. She demanded clarification on the subject, which Tony readily gave while Loki magicked himself clean and thankfully blood-free. Darcy, being the open-minded liberal type, was willing to explore the situation and try to accept it. She had always maintained that nobody had the right to tell two consenting adults what was right or wrong for them.

After an evening of extremely personal questions, awkward explanations, and two bottles of very expensive Scotch between the three of them, they were seated around the table comfortably. Darcy was feeling much better about many things, and not just from being incredibly inebriated. While Loki did not drop his guard, she could see the way his body drifted minutely towards Tony, the way the god’s eyes sparkled when her friend smiled.

It was quite clear that Loki was still… well, Loki. But he’d been trying to make reparations for some time now, and she knew he and Thor had been slowly working on their familial bonds (and by slowly, she meant that glaciers were melting more quickly). He refused to join the Avengers, but he was helping in his own way. They’d never have taken out Doom or any number of other, lesser villains without him. He was acting as a double agent, of sorts, one that very few people actually trusted.

Drunkenly, she reached over with her index finger and booped the God of Mischief on his nose. His eyes crossed comically as he looked down to where her finger had touched, scowling as Darcy spoke. “Listen, Big Bad, you are alright in my book. Despite the whole shitty trying to take over the world thing and all. You were a bit off your rocker and like, there was the Void and all. You obviously make Tin Man happy and you’ve done lots of good since then. Hurt any of my people though, and I will fuck you up. Okies?”

She giggled as Tony stared incredulously at her. “Uh, Dee, did you just poke a murderous rage god on the nose? And give him your stamp of approval while threatening him bodily harm?”

“I’m hardly ever murderous anymore.” Loki murmured to himself, Resting Bitch Face in full effect.

Darcy just giggled some more. “Indeed I did, Mr. Stark. I mean, you were what, ‘The Merchant of Death’ and we all still love you because you changed and worked towards a better world. I trust you and you trust him, ergo...”

She shrugged before continuing, “Plus, he’s a babe. You get yourself that Asgardian ass, Stark. I mean, you do top right?”

Tony shook his head and gauged Loki’s reaction, which was thankfully (if surprisingly) a bit amused. “That is a topic for another time when said ass is not _in the freaking room_. Also, I have to admit to being relieved. I thought this was going to be a much worse night.”

Darcy slurred the tiniest bit, “Well, you know, I admitted I’m planning my wedding to a colossal berserker who could easily kill me, so who am I to judge?”

Loki leaned forward marginally. “Ms. Lewis, are you referring to that bea… Dr. Banner?”

A wide grin across her flushed face, Darcy nodded. “The one and only. I can only hope he’s as beastly in other areas.” She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

“And have you told Dr. Banner of your regard?” The god was beginning to look suspiciously mischievous, fully living up to his title, but it was lost on Darcy in her drunken state.

She shook her head vigorously. “Hell no! I have no desire to go through that rejection speech.”

The god stared at her inquisitively. “So you have no intention of telling him of your affection? Even though one would assume you to be quite miserable in your currently unrequited adoration?”

Tony watched the two interact, unsure what direction this was headed, before deciding to chime in. “Well… I wouldn’t exactly say it’s unrequited.” He immediately found his nails fascinating as Darcy gaped at him.

“What?! What do you know and why aren’t you spilling immediately? Talk, pronto.” Her eyes bore into him with a level of ferocity he usually only saw in the eyes of his immortal partner.

Angelically innocent, Tony paused before disclosing, “He never ordered any package.”

Confusion across her face, it took a moment for Darcy’s Scotch-soaked brain to comprehend what he said, and what exactly that meant. “So he just wanted a reason to come see me? So he made up a package, so he had an excuse? But that means he likes me. Like, he _like_ -likes me, which is… whoa. Is the room spinning for anyone else?” She laid her head onto the table and continued mumbling into the surface.

She popped her head back up a moment later. “Wait, what do I do with this information? How do I feel about this? Do I tell him my feelings? Do I ask him out? No. Bad idea. Hide it and die despondent and alone but without being denied. Yes. Brilliant.”

Loki just watched the mortal girl babble, an idea brewing, while Tony advised her. “You’ve got to play it cool. Bruce is a very touch-and-go kind of guy. We should figure out a subtle, but unmistakable, way for you to approach this situ…”

He trailed off as the sound of a phone ringing bounced out of the overhead speakers. “Uh, Jarvis, what the fuck?”

“My apologies, Sir, but Master Loki seems to have overridden my protocols. Again. A call has been placed to Dr. Banner.”

Loki’s eyes gleamed. He looked positively smug at this particular bit of mischief as the ringing continued. The amusing emotions flitting across the intoxicated girl’s face made a laugh bubble up inside the god. He did so enjoy harmless pranks.

Tony opened his mouth to command Jarvis to stop, but before he could speak a bleary voice filled the room. “…’ello? Who’s it?” The sound of Banner clearing his throat echoed through the room. “Seriously, it’s almost 3am. Who is this?”

Loki just stared at Darcy, gesturing towards her with his hand, as if she should use this opportunity to declare her love. She froze up, and opened her mouth to say… something, but instead just squeaked. She decided she was going to zap the crap out of the Trickster once she was sober enough to operate her taser again.

To her eternal relief, Tony took over and began prattling the way he always did when he was deflecting something. “Hey, Bobby, how’s it going? Sorry about the late call. I’m working on some bugs in Jarv’s system. You would not believe how much trouble he gets into without regular maintenance. I’m going to have to work on all his protocols. Anyways, what are you up to?”

The tone in Bruce’s voice went from confused annoyance to fond amusement when he realized who was interrupting his REM cycle. “Um, kind of was sleeping. Don’t call me Bobby. Or Bob. Or Robert. You know I hate my first name. I assume it would do no good to suggest that you, also, should probably get some sleep?”

Darcy’s eyes had closed while listening to him speak, and she had an absolutely ridiculous grin on her flushed face. Both men laughed quietly at the content expression she wore just from hearing the object of her affection.

“You assume correctly. Plus, I have two smokin’ hot brunettes here, so I should probably get back to running diagnostics on their systems, if you know what I mean. Sorry again for the wake-up call.”

“I’m not commenting on the threesome or the fact that they’re willing to wait while you ignore them in favor of working. Good night, Tony.” His warm, soft chuckle rolled out into the room, cutting off abruptly as he disconnected.

Darcy looked utterly bereft at the loss, before reaching over and poking Loki in the arm. “Listen here, Big Bad, that was not cool!”

A miniature version of his trademark shark grin spread across the god’s face. “Your dilated pupils, flushed face, and quickened pulse would indicate that you found it more than simply ‘cool’, Ms. Lewis. You positively relished hearing your beloved’s voice.”

“He isn’t my beloved! He isn’t my anything! And wait, you can tell that my pulse sped up? That’s creepy. You’re creepy.” She gave him a pointed once-over, as if wondering what other strange things he could do.

They spent a while longer talking together, before Darcy declared it “Sleepy Times” and walked, or more accurately staggered, into her usual guest room, while Loki dragged Tony off for the original purpose of his visit…

 

 

The next morning, Darcy cradled her head in her hands, cursing Stark and his very, very strong liquor. She cursed herself for thinking Sunday drinking was a good idea. She cursed the first person to realize that they could get a really nifty feeling from drinking fermented grains. She cursed every bright light and ringing phone in the office. She was cursing the entirely too-perky-for-a-Monday agent who was complimenting her blouse, when Dr. Banner came to her rescue.

He interrupted the agent’s rant on the merits of pure silk versus silk blends. “I’m sorry, but I need to borrow Ms. Lewis. If you’d excuse us, please. Sorry.” He ducked his head in faux contrition towards the agent, who just smiled with a nod and wandered off to find someone else to gab at.

Darcy mustered up as much of a smile as her hangover would allow. “My knight in shining armor! Thank you, Doc, I could seriously kiss you for that.”

People often talked about Bruce turning green, but she was more interested in the way his face bloomed red just then. He cleared his throat, and handed her one of the two cups he was holding. “This is an old puerh blend. Especially good for detoxification and nausea. Also known as a great hangover remedy.”

Groaning, Darcy took a sip of the tea. “That obvious, huh?”

“Only if someone is looking closely.” His eyes met hers for a brief moment, before he looked back down at his own cup. “Rough night?”

Thinking back to the conversations from the night before, an extremely fuzzy recollection of Loki calling Banner, and the copious amount of whisky consumed, she said, “Ugh, yes, Tin Man kept me up until like 3am. I can’t remember the last time something that good made me feel this bad.”

Bruce’s face darkened, before a carefully blank expression took over. “You were with Tony last night? Around 3am?”

She nodded. “Yeah, a friend of his dropped by and we decided to let off some steam. Which of course, means plentiful booze, and lots of regret. My body is in agony, but I’m pretty sure it was worth it.”

She took another sip of her tea, before beaming up at him. “This is really good, Doc, thank you again. You are absolutely my favorite. Maybe next time I’m at Stark’s place, you can join us?”

Dr. Banner removed his glasses, cleaning them furiously and scowling. “Um, Darcy, that’s not really my scene. I don’t think… I mean, I don’t know if…” He shoved the glasses back on his face. “I really need to get back to work. I hope the tea helps. Uh. Yeah. Okay.”

Darcy watched, utterly perplexed, as he walked towards the elevator with hunched shoulders, an odd expression across his face. She couldn’t help but to stare as the scientist stabbed at the elevator call button, wondering where she went wrong. One second he was helping her through her hangover and the next he seemed, what? Disappointed that she had been drinking? Just once, couldn’t she fall for someone easy to figure out?

She was still watching as the elevator doors opened. Her heart dropped when Agent Hudson slid into the elevator behind Bruce and they started chatting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eternal thanks to EtLaBetes!
> 
> Thank you to everyone who continues to read/comment/be generally amazing! <3


	6. Six

Darcy stood in the break room a little while later, heating up her pathetic excuse for a meal. The worst of her hangover was starting to pass, which she attributed to the kick-ass tea from Bruce. She was lost in reverie, thinking about the kind-hearted (albeit somewhat hard to read) scientist, when Agent Asshole appeared in front of her.

 

She scowled fiercely. “What do you want, Robin Thicke?”

 

The normal cocksure agent looked like he wanted to be sick all over the kitchenette. “Um, I wanted to… you know, say sorry and stuff.”

 

In her anger, Darcy didn’t register his nerves. With his bullshit apology, her inner Bad Bitch roared to life, and the insecurities he had previously ignited fell away as she latched onto the feeling with an almost desperate rage. “Oh, you want to _apologize_? For what, pray tell? For trying to emotionally bully me into a vulnerable pit where I would sink low enough to sleep with you? Or are you apologizing for spreading lies about me in a professional setting?”

 

She was vaguely aware of several heads turning to look at them as her voice rose. She didn’t give a shit. She had a righteous fury and all her attention focused on the man who had been plaguing her psyche without her permission, though she was loathe to admit it. The floodgates opened and she didn’t know how seal them back up, even if she wanted to.

 

“Or maybe you’re apologizing for sending me unsolicited dick pics? Are you perhaps apologizing for being less evolved than the single-celled organisms found in pond scum? Or are you apologizing for telling me that I have nothing to offer besides my body, you misogynistic boner monkey?”

 

Darcy stepped towards Hudson before she became aware of a firm hand on her forearm, and turned her head to see Natasha, face blank, as always.

 

“Disengage, Lewis.” Natasha looked pointedly down at Darcy’s fingers, subconsciously holding onto a spork as if it were a deadly weapon. In her current frame of mind, it probably was. She relaxed her grip. As much as she would love to pop his pretty eyes out of his stupid head, she should be grateful for the intervention. She really didn’t want to deal with the paperwork and chastisement that Fury would heap upon her following an interoffice incident of that magnitude.

 

Seeing the agent’s ashen face as he looked down at the Spork of Doom, Darcy realized it was likely one of the very few times anyone was actually _less_ afraid because of Natasha’s presence. Darcy couldn’t help but feel a bit (okay, a lot) satisfied by that.

           

She faked a lunge in his direction and spat out, “Scurry off, rat.”

 

He disappeared so quickly that she wondered if he had figured out Loki’s teleportation trick. Darcy turned to the spy to thank her for stepping in, but Natasha had also vanished as silently as she had appeared. Others in the room pretended not to be staring, but she could tell everyone was dying for her to leave so they could start gossiping. Appetite shot, she dumped her half frozen meal into the garbage, and went back to immerse herself in the familiar routine of inventory so she wouldn’t rethink her urge to do bodily harm.

 

She was somewhere between counting reams of paper and moving onto boxes of staples when Tony’s text came through. “Kindly grace me with your presence immediately. I'm in RDJ.”

 

Darcy sent a quick confirmation text before dropping her clipboard back on her desk. In the elevator, she pressed the button for the sub-sub-sub-basement (okay, it wasn’t really called that, but she was pretty sure it was only a few feet above the first circle of Hell.) Tony had been insistent that ‘Research & Development Jr’, the baby version of his own workshop at the Tower, be located at the deepest possible level of the building. He said he liked feeling as if he were powering everything above him from the inside.

 

Tony was waiting for her. He dropped his pencil onto the drafting table, before rubbing a hand across his face, and swiveling around on his stool, looking mildly pissed off. “So. We seem to have a bit of communication snafu somewhere in the group.”

 

She tossed up her hands in an innocent gesture. “Wasn’t me, I swear. I’ve done nothing today but avoid talking to people, thanks to this hangover. You are an evil man with devil booze, by the way.”

 

He cocked his head inquisitively. “Well, if you haven’t spoken to anyone today, could you please explain why the Big Guy thinks that you were part of last night’s faux threesome?”

 

Eyes bulging, Darcy actually managed to choke on her own saliva, and began coughing. In between wheezes, hand to her chest, she croaked out, “What? Huh? Threesome? WHAT?!”

 

Tony opened a drawer, pulled out a flask, and offered it to her. She glared balefully while she caught her breath. “Oh well, more for me.” He took a long swig.

 

“The good doctor was down here before I sent your text. He was looking a little green around the edges, if you catch my drift. Apparently, I am a terrible friend who slept with the woman he’s been falling for, and especially for _calling him last night beforehand_.” He looked at Darcy pointedly.

 

“What the actual fuck are you talking about, Tony?!”

 

Brow furrowed, he started to look more puzzled than upset. “Wait. Do you remember that our unnamed friend used Jarvis to call Bruce last night?”

 

Darcy’s face scrunched up in frustration. “Yes, of course I remember that. I remember most of last night, minus a couple of small bits. But I definitely remember his sexy voice filling the whole damn room like my own personal version of hearing the voice of God. What the everloving fuck does that have to do with a threesome?”

 

Tony took another, longer drag from the flask and looked at her in disbelief. “Apparently one of the _small bits_ you happened to forget was the majorly important part where I told Bruce I had two hot brunettes that I needed to take care of, also known as a threesome, ménage a trois, the holy trinity, etc.”

 

Her face went deathly pale as she replayed the exact conversation with Bruce that morning in her head. “Oh. My. God…I was just talking about drinking. I told him I was with you. Oh fuck. I told him …shit, what did I say? Oh no! I said that I was blowing off steam with you and one of your friends! I said my body was in agony! Oh my god, oh god, oh fuck.”

 

Darcy bent over and braced her hands on her knees, trying not to hyperventilate from the humiliation she was feeling. Normally, she would have found this situation hilarious, but she had basically just told the first person she’d had genuine, real, grown-up feelings for that she had spent her night being tossed around by two guys. One who happened to be his _best_ friend.

 

Tony came over and awkwardly patted her on the back. “Brace yourself. It gets worse.”

 

“How? How could it possibly get worse than that?”

 

He enlightened her: Agent Totally-Should-Have-Gotten-Sporked-in the-Dick had told Banner to back off. Apparently, Hudson had noticed how frequently the scientist stopped by to talk with their buxom admin and he felt the need to stake a claim. He told Bruce that Darcy was spoken for, and proceeded to elucidate on her great many skills that Banner would never get to experience. Also apparently, Hudson was an idiot who didn’t think through this whole plan to threaten the man who sometimes turned into the Hulk. Which explained the agent’s pallid, sweaty attempt at apologizing earlier.

 

Given that Agent Hudson was still in one non-smushed pieced, Darcy correctly assumed Bruce had not actually Hulked out. Tony also informed her that he had attempted to set matters straight, but Banner had to leave abruptly, presumably to go do some deep breathing or yoga or something.

 

By the end of their conversation, Darcy was slumped on the floor, cross-legged with her back to the wall. “He thinks I’m a slut. He thinks I’m a stupid little girl who sleeps around the office and now he’ll never date me.” She kept hitting her head backwards against the wall.

 

Tony slid down next her and offered her the flask again. “Hair of the dog?”

 

She took two long drinks, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand before handing the flask back to Tony. “I have to make this right.”

 

“Yep. And not just so you can get married and have little green babies. I will not lose my Science Bro over a threesome I didn’t even get to have. Figure out a way to tell him the truth, even if you die of embarrassment in the process.”

 

Darcy’s head shot up. “Truth! I know how to fix this. I can fix this! Stark, you really are a genius!” She scrambled to her feet, leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of Tony’s head with a loud smack before running off with renewed cheer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who continues to read & comment, it's super wonderful of you!
> 
> Major gratitude to EtLaBete, as usual, for being an amazing sounding board.
> 
> Word of warning: The next chapter is probably about a week away due to bronchitis & a crazy ass long week at work ahead. I'll do my best to be prompt, though.
> 
> -C


	7. Seven

Darcy managed to get through the next workday. Somehow. She wasn’t really sure how, but she thought it had something to do with two pots of coffee, entirely too many carbs, and her darkest lipstick. She wasn’t surprised when Bruce scurried in late that morning without more than a cursory wave in her direction from across the room. She didn’t let it get her down, though. She had a plan.

 

Her day became considerably brighter when she heard that Agent Hudson had been transferred to SHIELD’s Swedish branch. She had it on good authority from a certain scarlet-haired spy that a bug had been planted in Fury’s ear. Said bug supposedly told the Director that this transfer was necessary for the agent’s continued safety, since apparently someone who was stupid enough to confront Banner was also stupid enough to try hitting on a spy literally named after a spider that kills its mates. Somehow he had misconstrued his rescue from the ultimate sporking as some sort of romantic interest from Natasha.

 

Darcy snorted, imagining the sexist pig surrounded by the progressive people of Sweden, who had even gone so far as to create a gender-neutral pronoun in their pursuit of equality. She reveled in daydreams of Hudson getting his ass handed to him by an entire nation of liberated, fierce females. It was, by far, better than any revenge she had thought up. She definitely owed Nat a giant bottle of her favorite (expensive) vodka.

 

Her computer pinged, alerting her to email. She did a happy dance as she read the single “Yes” from Tony in reply to her earlier message, which had simply read, “Can I tell him?” She sent a thank-you reply, with approximately a million less-than-threes. She knew Tony would have preferred to tell Bruce about Loki personally, but she figured that once the scientist knew a freaking Trickster God was part of the story, he would be more inclined to understand how the situation had gotten so out of hand.

 

Darcy added Tony to her list of people she owed. Besides his permission, he was also helping her fix this whole stupid thing. In fact, he was vital to her plan. It paid to have ridiculously tech-savvy friends sometimes.

 

As evening rolled around and people started heading out from the office, she gathered up her supplies and made her way to the cafeteria. Not for the first time, Darcy was grateful she worked for someplace like SHIELD, which happened to include the most high-tech kitchen she had ever seen outside of Stark Tower, instead of some crappy corporate office. When she arrived at the locked doors, she pulled out the access card Tony had given her, a digital skeleton key that would work on any door in the building, a little gift she would definitely not be waving around in front of Fury…

 

Entering the kitchen, she strode with purpose to the counter next to the stove, and carefully began laying out her supplies. She filled her kettle with filtered water, and placed it on the stove. While the water heated, she set up her tea tray, a beautiful earthy green, that she may or may not have purchased because it reminded her of a certain goliath superhero (and no you couldn’t prove anything, so shut it). She placed two of her favorite clear glass teacups and their small saucers onto the try with precision. She filled a tiny matching dish with rock sugar and set it in the upper right corner of the tray, a dainty spoon sticking out of it. She gently put a single stem into the delicate bud vase in the upper left corner of the tray, a white chrysanthemum.

 

Darcy was, by nature, a coffee-drinker. She loved the bitterness and the hardiness of it. Caffeine from coffee was just different than caffeine from tea. All the same, she had found a special love of tea rituals during some of her earlier conversations with Bruce. He was absolutely right when he told her that the calm from tea doesn’t necessarily come from the particular blend, but rather the process involved. It soothed the mind and soul, restored a bit of sanity, and it gave a sense of beauty in a world filled with mundane, gritty things.

 

As the kettle began whistling, she shook out a handful of dried flower buds, placing them into an infuser. She removed the kettle from the stove and carefully poured the steaming hot water into a clear, glass pot. She placed the infuser inside the pot, and set a timer for three minutes. She was glad to have something to focus on, instead of her nerves, as she began putting everything away.

 

When the timer beeped, Darcy emptied the infuser into the trash, rinsed it, and packed it into her bag with everything else. Hoisting the bag on her shoulder, she picked up the perfectly arranged tray, before heading to the elevator. Inside she oh-so-carefully bumped the floor button for Dr. Banner’s lab with her elbow, both hands in a white-knuckled grip on the tray. Her stomach did flips with each floor she descended, hoping Tony’s plan would work, hoping Bruce would be willing to talk to her, would see her intent in this gesture.

 

When the elevator dinged and the doors slid open, she took a deep breath and walked towards the lab’s entry. Awkwardly juggling the tray in one hand, she swiped the access-card, and walked forward into Banner’s domain. Darcy took a second to drop her bag on the floor by the doorway, before marching over to him and setting the tray on counter next to the microscope he was studying. He absent-mindedly mumbled something about interns not needing to bring him food, while fiddling with the scope to get a better view.

 

Darcy hoisted herself up onto the counter, careful not to disrupt the tray. “Actually, that’s exactly what interns are for and you should utilize them thusly. If I had known you hadn’t eaten, I would have brought food, too.” She swung her feet lazily, trying to hide her unease. She couldn’t help but smile at the rumpled scientist when his chocolate eyes swung up to hers.

 

“Oh, hey, Darcy. I, uh, wasn’t expecting you to stop by.” His eyes had immediately left hers, awkwardly, and chose to settle on the tea tray. “What’s this?”

 

Well, it was now or never. “This is white chrysanthemum tea, Doc.” She cringed at the slight shake of nerves in her voice and babbled onwards, as she leaned over towards the tray, ignoring the way he was clearly fighting the urge to bolt from the room.

 

“It has come to my attention that there are some things between us that need clearing up. Hence, white chrysanthemum. The flower symbolizes truth. Plus, the tea tastes like you have a cloud in your mouth.” She put a scoop of the rock sugar into each of the cups, before cautiously pouring hot water into each, breathing in the steamy scent to calm herself.

 

The look of mild dread he wore wasn’t helping her anxiety, but she plowed ahead, thrusting a cup towards him, less gracefully than she would have liked. “So yeah, truth. We obviously need to have a bit of a truth session.”

 

He backed away, almost as if he were a wild animal feeling cornered. Walking towards the door, he started making vague half excuses as to other things he needed to do, places he had to be.

 

Darcy just shook her head, holding his cup in her lap. “Nice try, Doc. Tony has the lab on lock down. Other than the Almighty Eye Patch, I happen to have the only access card that will get us out of here. Sooo how about you get over here and take the damn tea so we can get on with this?”

 

Bruce edged back towards her slowly, and took the cup, hesitantly, making sure his fingers didn’t brush against hers. His shoulders dropped and he let out a long sigh, resigned. He lifted the tea, closed his eyes and inhaled, before taking a sip. Darcy thought she could die happily watching him like that, eyes closed, his throat moving as he swallowed, as long as he didn’t say anything like...

 

“Darcy, I don’t think this is a good idea.”

 

Ugh. Like that. She slid off the counter and put her hands on her hips, staring up into his ( ~~perfect, could get lost in them, stop Darcy, focus~~ ) eyes.

 

She decided she would need to lead this conversation in a better direction. “You’re right. It isn’t a good idea. It’s a great idea. It’s essentially the best idea in the history of ideas.”

 

A tired look crossed his face and he set his cup down. “It really isn’t Darcy. I mean, look, you’re a grown woman and you have every right to do what you want… with whomever you want. And I respect that right, I do, and I don’t judge you for it. But you know, you invited me along the next time, and really I had thought. I mean…”

 

Roughly pulling his glasses from his face and tossing them onto the counter, he scrubbed his hands across his face, an exasperated, “Fuck!” surprising Darcy.

 

Trying to explain, she distractedly reached down and folded his glasses neatly. “Look Doc, it wasn’t…”

 

Banner cut her off. “No, what I’m trying to say is that I had thought maybe, just maybe, there was something here and even if it was stupid of me to want anything like that, from you, stupid to try, given who I am, _what_ I am… I had thought maybe we could try. But I wanted something more than whatever it would be if I participated in the kind of thing you and Tony have, or did, or whatever. I just… I wanted it to be real.” He trailed off, miserably, a flush across his face as he stared at a spot somewhere on the wall over her shoulder.

 

Darcy just stared at him for a minute, feeling giddiness rise up inside her. She clamped it down, for the moment, and fisted her hand in his shirt, pulling him down to her, kissing those perfect lips briefly, barely more than a whisper of skin on skin. She reluctantly pulled her mouth away before he could react, but she kept him pulled close, forcing him to maintain eye contact. She inwardly grinned at his dilated pupils and the feel of his heart pounding under where she held his shirt.

 

“Okay, Bruce. Let’s focus on the truth of the situation. That’s why I came down here.”

 

She cleared her throat, please to note that he still had a slightly dazed expression from the kiss, and was making no effort to pull away from her. “Exhibit A: I have not, nor will I ever, bump uglies with Tony Stark of all people. We are bros and you are under a false impression because see Exhibit B: The friend of Tony’s that we were drinking aka ‘blowing off steam’ with was _his boyfriend_. He has secretly been involved with Loki for quite some time.”

  
She arched her brow at Bruce as his eyes flew wide and he started to interrupt. “Hush yes, that Loki. Hold all questions until the end, please. Tin Man and I were discussing my feelings for you.”

 

Again, he tried to interject, his face a play of several conflicting emotions. He obviously couldn’t decide if he was more interested in the Asgardian element or in Darcy’s ‘feelings’. She stopped him before he could speak, afraid she would lose her nerve if she didn’t get everything out.

 

“I said hold all questions, Doc. Mr. Mischief thought it would be amusing to get Jarvis to call you and was trying to get my drunk ass to confess my crush, like it was high school or something, and when I was too flabbergasted to start talking, Tony took over the conversation for me, and in typical Tony fashion, made up the bullshit about a threesome just to be a total cock.”

 

Ignoring the absolutely adorable pink tinge at the tips of the Banner’s ears, as he nodded because he could totally relate to Tony being a total cock, Darcy continued.

 

“Exhibit C: I have never, ever done anything even remotely sexual with Agent Hudson, who is a lying chode and is now suffering Natasha’s wrath in a foreign country full of the ultimate women’s libbers.”

 

At the mention of Hudson, she noticed the sudden tightening of Bruce’s shoulders, and the light rumble she couldn’t hear, but could definitely feel from his chest. Darcy let go of her death grip on the doctor’s shirt, and smoothed out the wrinkles in his shirt, before gently grasping his chin in her hands, a tremulous, small smile on quirking at her lips.

 

“And finally, I present to the court, Exhibit D: I happen to have some colossal warm fuzzies for you, Bruce, and I assure you, they are of the realest variety imaginable. And while I applaud your super awesome non-judgment of my imagined sexual prowess, the feels I have for you are definitely of the monogamous sort and I wouldn’t share you like that, even with your Science Bro.”

 

There was a decided shift in the air as the tension left his body, and his face went somewhere near serene. Darcy took a deep breath, and cast a hopeful glance up at him, trying to hide how anxious she felt. “The defense rests.” She kept her gaze locked on his mouth. She was afraid of anything his eyes might be revealing just then.

 

When his hand slid up her neck, under her hair, and firmly pulled her forward, she let her eyelids flicker shut. His lips against hers, somehow both tentative and insistent at the same time, told her everything she needed to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EtLaBete is the best, as always.
> 
> Only one more chapter after this!


	8. Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The prerequisite light-hearted conclusion :P
> 
> Thank you all again for reading. I've had a great first experience thanks to all of you. 
> 
> All my fictiony love to EtLaBete.

“I do not understand the purpose of this game.” Loki’s brow creased in confusion as he stared at the black and white cards Darcy was distributing around the table.

 

She shared an amused glance with Tony and Bruce. “The purpose is entertainment, Big Bad. Don’t they have games in Asgard?”

 

The god frowned, looking between the three mortals at the table. “Of course. They are generally of a strategic and competitive nature, similar to your ‘chess’. I do not understand how the completion of another’s sentences can be regarded as a diverting amusement. What is the name of this pastime?”

 

A small grin on his face as he read the cards in his hand, Bruce slid the box towards Loki. Stark snacked on a handful of pretzels, enjoying the barely perceptible smile tugging at the god’s lips while he read the cover. “Cards Against Humanity? Oh, I like the sound of that…”

 

Darcy spoke up with mock indignation. “Hey, the humanity sitting in the room takes offense to that! Now listen up while I explain the rules. You too, Bruce. Tony and I take this game very seriously.”

 

After almost an hour of Stark dominating the game, Loki slapped his cards down on the table, lips in a snarl. “Why does no one choose my selections?”

 

A trio of widened eyes turned to the frustrated god. Tony cleared his throat. “Um, so, there’s that competitive streak I warned you about, Dee.”

 

Compulsively straightening up the various card stacks, Bruce said, “I’m not doing very well either. I think Darcy and Tony might have the market on sarcasm and being terrible human beings, though.” He ducked his shoulder, laughing quietly as his girlfriend launched a chip at him.

 

Entirely too pleased with his growing collection of winning cards, Tony tried to explain. “When Bruce laid down ‘Life for the American Indians was forever changed when the White Man introduced them to___’ you played ‘Small Pox Blankets’.”

 

Darcy chimed in, “And when I laid down ‘White People Like___’ you played ‘White Privilege’.”

 

Loki’s face darkened. “Those answers are perfectly accurate!” The absurdity of an actual god sulking over something so inane was not lost on any of the mortals.

 

Bruce took over the conversation. “That’s kind of the point, Loki. It’s not supposed to be _too_ accurate. I mean, when Tony played ‘What are your parents hiding from you?’, you magicked a card to say, ‘I’m a Frost Giant’, which is just… really depressing.”

 

Tony and Darcy hid their terrible-human-beings-smile behind their hands as realization dawned on Loki’s face. “I should attempt to be more nonsensical, then?”

 

Clapping her hands together, Darcy said, “Nonsensical and offensive! That’s the spirit!”

 

None of the three mortals would actually admit to being unnerved by the shark grin slowly distorting Loki’s face.

 

To this day, nobody will repeat the combination so offensive it led to Tony burning the entire game in the fireplace…


End file.
